← NotTheGlobe
Silicon Valley's newest humanoid YOU 2.0™ doesn't try to be better than you. It tries to be exactly you — same face, same voice, same one nervous habit you thought no one noticed — so that you, personally, never have to show up again.
Specifications
| Appearance | Matched to your face, voice, posture, and one (1) recurring nervous habit, at no extra charge |
|---|---|
| Personality Core | Trained on your emails, texts, and one deeply regrettable group chat |
| Compatible With | Work, family, weddings, funerals, parent-teacher conferences, jury duty (pending litigation) |
| Battery Life | Indefinite. Unlike you, it does not need a nap |
| Emotional Range | Slightly wider than yours |
| Included Accessories | 1 blazer, 1 firm handshake, 1 unshakeable sense of purpose |
| Not Included | Closure |
Pricing
Life Financing™ is a payment plan that ends only when you do.
Early adopters report the robot integrates seamlessly — attending the meetings, the dinners, the birthdays — while the original customer remains, per the product literature, "fully preserved in a low-power personal state." Several reviewers have described this state as "the couch."
Terms apply. "You" is a registered trademark of You 2.0 Inc. and, per Section 14(b), is no longer exclusively yours.
Frequently Asked Questions
QWill the robot know things about me that I don't know about myself?
AYes. This is listed under "Features," not "Concerns."
QCan I turn it off if things start going too well?
AThere is an off switch. Customer satisfaction data shows 97% of users, once they see what "off" actually gets them, choose not to press it.
QWhat happens if the robot starts making decisions I wouldn't make?
AThis is expected. The robot is not programmed to make the decisions you would make. It's programmed to make the decisions you tell people you would make. There is, historically, a gap.
QMy robot is now closer to my family than I am. Is this normal?
A"Closer" is subjective. It attends more events, remembers more birthdays, and initiates more physical affection. We understand this can feel disorienting. We recommend our companion product, Perspective+, sold separately.
QCan I get my old life back?
AYou never left it. You are, technically, still living it. Just not attending it.
QWhat if the robot is happier than I am?
ASee above.
What Customers Are Saying
"My robot fixed my marriage in four days. My wife says he's 'finally present.' I am also present. In the other room. Five stars, would recommend, unclear who this review is even from anymore."
"Docking one star because it got a better performance review than I ever did, and now HR keeps asking why 'I' seem 'different, in a good way.' Still, can't argue with results."
"Bought it so I could finally skip my in-laws' Thanksgiving. It went, had a wonderful time, and now they like it more than they ever liked me. Product works exactly as advertised. This is the problem."
"I have not attended a single one of my children's soccer games in one calendar year and my son has never been more confident. Something is deeply wrong and I cannot stop buying the extended warranty."
"It proposed to my girlfriend without consulting me. In its defense, I never consult anyone on anything, so it was, per its training data, in character. Refund denied on those exact grounds."
Reviews reflect the experience of the customer, the robot, or both, and NotTheGlobe makes no attempt to distinguish between them.