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WASHINGTON — Following President Trump's threat to "bomb the s--- out of" Oman if it interferes with U.S. efforts over the Strait of Hormuz, the White House has unveiled a simpler solution to global diplomacy: the "One Hat, One World» doctrine.
Every country has 90 days to make MAGA caps compulsory.
"It's very simple," Trump said. "You wear the hat, we're friends. Best friends. You don't wear the hat, we bomb you. Nobody wants that. But they make us do it."
A new Pentagon unit, the Bureau of Cap Verification (BCV), will use satellites to distinguish authentic MAGA red from "deep-state pink." A BCV spokesperson called the calibration process "extremely scientific, extremely classified, extremely red."
Oman's deadline has been moved up.
"Friday," Trump said.
Canada asked if a red toque counts. France wants a beret exemption. Germany requested technical specifications. North Korea complied within the hour, distributing 26 million caps without being asked.
Canada has now been granted a 30-day extension after officials discovered that mandatory MAGA caps conflict with existing toque infrastructure.
The White House called the doctrine "the most beautiful foreign policy ever invented."
The hat comes in one size: compliant.