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London — For centuries, subjects had a simple chant for their monarch:
"Long Live the King!"
Political scientists always assumed it just didn't work.
New research from the Institute for Democratic Etiquette suggests it was worse than that.
After 800 years of zero results, researchers now suspect the traditional royal chant may actually have helped kill the monarchy.
"We found a correlation," said Professor Edmund Wainscott, chair of Applied Royal Linguistics. "The more enthusiastically a population chanted it, the faster the monarchy tended to collapse."
"France chanted constantly, right up until 1793. Russia had entire choreographed chants for the Tsar's longevity — how'd that go? England mumbled it half-heartedly through gritted teeth and, not coincidentally, still has one."
The theory is simple.
"You don't loudly insist something will live forever unless some part of you suspects it won't," Wainscott said.
"In hindsight, it wasn't a cheer. It was a bedside vigil."
With last monarchs fading into ribbon-cutting irrelevance and politicians quietly absorbing the job — motorcades, entourages, a flinch whenever asked what something cost — the Institute warns officeholders to be wary of any crowd chanting for their long life.
The recommended alternative?
"It doesn't really matter what you sing. But whatever you sing, sing it quietly — and ideally where they can't hear you."
“Given the historical data,” Wainscott said, “we feel that is responsible.”