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BERLIN — Germany, facing mounting economic pressures after years of costly energy policy, industrial disruption and the challenges of integrating millions of migrants, has unveiled what government officials describe as a "highly scalable new economic model": creating taxes out of thin air.
The breakthrough follows the introduction of Germany's new sugar tax, which applies not only to products containing sugar, but also to sugar-free drinks and food items that, in the words of one ministry official, "taste kind of sweet."
Having established that taxation need not necessarily depend on the presence of the substance being taxed, the government has now expanded the principle to other areas of daily life.
A new dog tax has been introduced, with officials confirming that the concept could eventually be extended to cats, other pets and, potentially, household pests.
"We see considerable untapped fiscal potential," said a government spokesman. "Why should a citizen who owns a dog contribute to public finances when a citizen who owns a cat does not?"
The spokesman declined to explain the distinction, noting only that the distinction itself was currently under review by a working group whose formation had required a small administrative fee to establish.
Taxing the right to be alive
Germany's most ambitious fiscal innovation, however, is expected to be the "Existenzsteuer" — the tax on living.
Under the proposed system, citizens would pay a basic annual fee for the privilege of remaining alive within German jurisdiction. Additional rates may apply depending on age, appearance, body weight, personality and other factors still being evaluated by a newly established Federal Office for Personal Fiscal Characteristics.
Officials stressed that tax incentives would remain available.
"These may or may not apply," the spokesman said. "It depends on your age, how you look, how much you weigh, and whether the government considers your personality economically useful."
The government is also examining whether breathing, walking, owning furniture, and having opinions could be classified as taxable activities. A pilot program to determine whether silence counts as an untaxed activity, or merely an unreported one, is reportedly already underway.
A job creator disguised as a tax system
Economists have cautiously welcomed the proposal, pointing out that Germany's new approach could generate an economic benefit far beyond the tax revenue itself.
Every new tax requires administrators. Every administrator requires a department. Every department requires managers, compliance officers, auditors, consultants, software systems, appeals tribunals and, eventually, another department to oversee the department overseeing the tax — which in turn requires a smaller, more elite unit to determine whether that department's existence is itself taxable.
"It's essentially a perpetual employment machine," said one economist. "Create a tax, hire people to collect it, then create another tax to pay for the people collecting the first tax. It's elegant. It's turtles all the way down."
Government officials agreed.
"We have finally discovered a sector that cannot be outsourced to China, moved to Eastern Europe, or made obsolete by cheaper energy," said the spokesman. "Tax administration."
Germany prepares to export its success
The European Commission has reportedly expressed interest in the model, while several governments around the world are said to be monitoring developments closely — quietly enough, officials noted, that Berlin is now exploring a consulting fee on the sharing of tax ideas.
Possible future German taxes include a Weather Tax, a Walking Tax, a Looking-at-Things Tax, and a Tax on Avoiding Other Taxes.
Officials said the last proposal could become particularly lucrative.
Germany's Finance Ministry has already begun work on a final measure: a tax on people who complain about taxes.
"We believe," the spokesman said, "this will inspire citizens to become more taxable."