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In what economists are calling "a statistically improbable feat of anti-genius," local investor David Hendricks, 41, has once again demonstrated a flawless ability to buy every cryptocurrency top and sell every bottom.
The latest incident began Tuesday, when Bitcoin and major altcoins entered a strong, broad-based rally. Sensing "obvious exhaustion," Hendricks liquidated his entire portfolio at 9:14 AM — a moment that, in hindsight, marked almost the exact low of a multi-year trading range.
By Thursday, with prices up sharply from his exit point, Hendricks had reportedly secured another refinancing on the family home — which he had previously refinanced near the 2021 market peak — in order to "get back in before it runs away."
Unconfirmed but strangely specific reports indicate he also leveraged his wife's engagement ring and his children's college fund, describing the move to his bank as "diversification."
Neighbors reported raised voices from the Hendricks residence, along with what one witness described as "the sound of a man asking his wife to 'just think of it as staking.'"
Mrs. Hendricks did not respond to requests for comment, though a family friend confirmed she now refers to her husband's brokerage app exclusively as "the enemy," and has filed paperwork seeking sole custody of the dog, the good couch, and a forgotten 0.3 BTC Hendricks bought in 2019 and somehow never sold — currently up 900%.
Market strategists at Fade Dave Capital, a firm reportedly founded specifically to trade the inverse of Hendricks's positions, declined to comment, saying only that their returns "speak for themselves."
At press time, Hendricks was reportedly out of dips to buy, having already bought the dip, the second dip, the "generational buying opportunity" dip, and what he described in a now-deleted forum post as "literally the last dip that will ever exist, I promise, I'm all in." He was last seen researching whether 401(k) providers allow early withdrawal for "market conviction."